Heed the Gavel

By Matthew Hennessey

The following never happened.

SPEAKER: Pursuant to House Resolution 1273, it is now in order to debate the topics addressed by the Senate amendments to the bill, HR 3590, and the topics addressed by the bill HR 4872.

(murmuring and conversation)

SPEAKER: The horse’s a** from Maryland and the horse’s a** from Texas, or their designees, will each with control 60 minutes. The Chair recognizes the horse’s a** from California for 15 minutes.

(murmuring)

SPEAKER: The House is not in order. (bangs gavel) The horse’s a**es will please take their conversations from the floor. They will take their conversations from the aisles.

REP.         (D – Cal.): Madame Speaker I rise as a designees of the horse’s a**  to control the time.

SPEAKER: The horse’s a** is recognized.

REP.          (D – Cal.): I’d like to ask unanimous consent that horse’s a**es have five days in which to revise and extend their remarks and insert extraneous material in the record.

SPEAKER: Without objection.

REP.         (D – Cal.): Madame Speaker I yield to the horse’s a** from Maryland one minute.

SPEAKER: The horse’s a** from Maryland is recognized for one minute.

REP.          (D – Md.): I thank the horse’s a** for yielding…I know this bill is very complicated, but it’s also very simple…In this bill is a more prosperous and more just future…This is necessary for a great nation to do…I yield back the balance of my time.

(applause)

SPEAKER: The horse’s a** yields. The horse’s a** from Texas is recognized for ten minutes as a designee of the majority party for ten minutes

REP.          (R – Texas): I would like to yield to the horse’s a** from Alabama for a unanimous consent request.

SPEAKER: The horse’s a** is recognized.

REP.              (R – Ala.): Madame Speaker, I ask unanimous consent to revise and extend my remarks against this flawed health care bill.

SPEAKER: Without objection

REP.         (R – Texas): Madame Speaker, I would like to yield to the horse’s a** from Georgia, the ranking member of the Health subcommittee for one minute.

SPEAKER: The horse’s a** is recognized for one minute.

REP.              (R – Ga.): I thank the horse’s a** for yielding. It has been said that the problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money…I will cast my vote in opposition to this bill…I urge my colleagues to join me in a “no” vote.

SPEAKER: The horse’s a**’s time is expired. The horse’s a** from California is recognized.

REP.         (D- Cal.): Madame Speaker, I yield myself two minutes.

SPEAKER: The horse’s a** is recognized for two minutes.

REP.         (D- Cal.): Today is an historic moment…We are poised to provide historic access to affordable insurance for all. I reserve the balance of my time.

SPEAKER: The horse’s a** reserves. The horse’s a** from Texas is recognized.

REP.           (R – Texas): Madame Speaker, I would like to yield to the horse’s a** from Michigan for one minute.

SPEAKER: The horse’s a** is recognized for one minute.

REP.              (R – Mich.): Madame Speaker, folks are scared, they are really scared. Debt is at historic levels, spending is out of control, and here we are…Only in Washington can folks stand here and claim that spending a trillion dollars will actually cut the deficit…

SPEAKER: The horse’s a**’s time is expired.

REP.             (R – Mich.): ..let’s pay down the debt.

SPEAKER: (bangs gavel) The horse’s a**’s time is expired! The horse’s a** reserves. The horse’s a** from California is recognized.

REP.         (D- Cal.): Thank you Madame Speaker. I yield one minute to the horse a** from Massachusetts, a very important horse’s a** on our committee.

SPEAKER: The horse’s a** from Massachusetts is recognized for one minute.

REP.              (D – Mass.): On health care, the Democratic Party is the party of hope, and the Republicans are the party of nope…They grandstand and oppose and postpone real reform. GOP – grandstand, oppose, and postpone.

SPEAKER: (gavel) The horse’s a**’s time is expired.

REP.              (D – Mass.): …Ted Kennedy is looking down and smiling today…

(hoots from the opposition)

SPEAKER: (gavel) The horse’s a**’s time is expired.

REP.               (D – Mass.): …we are the party of hope…

SPEAKER: The horse’s a** will yield!. (bangs gavel)

REP.               (D – Mass.): …they are the party of nope…

SPEAKER: The horse’s a** will yield!. (bangs gavel)

REP.              (D – Mass.):… do it for Ted Kennedy, and for John Dingell, vote Aye!

(general unruliness )

SPEAKER: Horse’s a**es should heed the gavel. The horse’s a** from Massachusetts should heed the gavel.

Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: