Nothing impressive about Lady Gaga’s act

By Matthew Hennessey

Lady Gaga is a big phony. The “Paparazzi” singer, whose new album Born This Way is out this week, wants all you straights and squares out there to loosen up.

Did you see her slumming on American Idol recently, wearing boots with glass heels shaped like the male anatomy, declaring her disappointment in down-home country crooner Scotty McCreery’s conservative style? The flamboyant star chided the popular contestant  for his lackluster performance in a private rehearsal.

“You have to get right in the center of that hot dog,” she told the fresh-faced 17-year old, apparently referring to the microphone he was singing into. “That’s your girlfriend and she says to you, ‘If you don’t stick your tongue down my throat, we’re through.’ So keep your mouth on that microphone like your life depends on it or that b**** gonna leave you.”

Ever the gentleman, McCreery suffered this “advice” gamely, perhaps thinking of his mother and grandmother watching from home in Garner, North Carolina. But the Fame Monster couldn’t resist a last dig. “I knew he was conservative, but apparently, he’s a bit more conservative than I had imagined.”

Young Scotty McCreery may be willing to put on a poker face for the sake of his nascent career, but that doesn’t mean we all have to suffer in silence. I don’t mind being the one to ask: Where does this Gaga get off?

It doesn’t take a psychotherapist to see that she suffers from a severe case of projection. In Gaga’s mind, we’re the uptight ones, going to work in our buttoned down shirts and our sensible shoes. We’re the repressed ones, being herded like sheep from home to school to work to church and home again. We’re all sleep-walking zombies, because we watch American Idol, and vote for nice boys like Scotty McCreery.

To Lady Gaga, America needs to find a way to loosen up. And if we can’t do it ourselves, then, by golly, she’s just going to have to get her hands dirty and do it for us.

But if Lady Gaga is so at ease with herself, why doesn’t she perform under her real name? If Lady Gaga is so liberated and free, why does she do everything she can to conceal what she actually looks like? If Lady Gaga is so genuine and uninhibited, why does she slavishly adhere to the script laid out in “Madonna’s Proven Guide to Shock and Disgust Christian Middle America?”

I’ll tell you why: Because she absolutely loathes herself. Gaga’s preference for dressing like a stolen car, parading around in gowns made of meat, and smearing her face with Ace Frehley’s surplus clown paint, are nothing if not an exquisite and dramatic expression of the bad romance she has with her own self esteem.

“Please look at anything but the real me,” pleads the erstwhile Stefani Germanotta, an old-fashioned scold hiding behind the Lady Gaga mask.

I’m not saying that Lady Gaga can’t sing, that her songs aren’t catchy, or that she doesn’t have a bright future. I’m just saying that she’s phonier than a three-dollar bill.

And I highly doubt she was born that way.

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